The Great Pumpkiness

A lovely tale about people who enjoyed wearing pumpkins as hats. And they weren't serial killers. I think.

My father came up to me one day

He said ‘Son, I hope you won’t have to pay

For my life I’ve sinned, true to God

Because one day, I messed with a pumpkin broad

I can remember that night so clearly

Better than the night I met your mother, although I do love her dearly

Two strangers came by

So frightful, nearly made me cry

A pumpkin on each of their heads

I had to make sure I was not on meds

Where are those, anyway?

I always talk in rhymes without them, are they in the entryway?

But I digress

One wore a pretty dress

Darker than your uncle's soul

Even if it was dipped in coal

The other was a man, so I did not care

The nicest woman I’ve ever met, I swear

Made my heart flutter, my knees quiver

But I could not look at her head without a shiver

So I knew what must be done

I knew it was not a good idea, in the long run

But I gave that pumpkin a yank!

And she pulled out a shank!

That’s why they call me One-Ball Jon

For one of my eyeballs was gone

So if you see the Pumpkiness

Just stare at her dress, not the breasts!